UPDATE:
An automotively-inclinded friend was able to figure this out, and my tranny cap is back on. Apparently there are two different versions of the Epic DD tranny's, because mine is different than Pete's (even though the caps on the two look almost the same).
Turns out the little allen wrench fitting on the top isn't just there for leverage, it actually does serve a purpose. The problem was that since the cap had never been removed, the seal in teh paint had never been broken (and believe me, breaking the seal was not easy...and the cap no longer looks pretty).
Anyway, it's as simple as twisting the little tiny allen wrench fitting and the seal-seat expands, allowing the cap to fit right into place. Tighten it down and the seal takes care of the rest.
I knew it was so freaking simple I would end up looking like an idiot...

There's one thing you can always rely on me for!!!
